Another appointment and more of my brain needing to work to get Betty to it.  Today, toenail cutting.  Trust me if there were any other way I would jump on it but Betty's nails are so thick and long it is impossible.  So, before we head north it has to be done.


Bob and I thought it through and I am going to pick her up at 1:15, bring her back here and have her soak her feet and then it is off to the doctor at 2:10.  Everything depends on getting her up and out of her house dressed.  


I get a sick stomach just thinking about it but I am letting go and letting God today.  I am going to trust in Him to get Betty on our program without a lot of fussing.  


I will repeat that over and over until I believe it!!!!


Wonder if she will wear her new shoes today?




UPDATE;  Sure enough there were several weepy calls but Betty was ready when I picked her up, wearing her new shoes but no earrings... (naked!)  The appointment went well and we went to an early dinner.  Lots of anxiety.

So many plans need to be made.  In just seventeen days we will head back to Massachusetts to ready the house for Betty's three month stay with us.  So many issues cloud my thinking that I can hardly remember what has to be done.  Mail, cable, stop trash, clothes to pack, what to ship, fridges emptied, oh the list goes on and on.  


I know I have done this over and over but I am telling you it is overwhelming.  It has become increasingly difficult to get Betty to pack and leave her things in the suitcase.  I get her to lay things out on the bed and then to get them folded into the suitcase.  I write down what she has packed and check off the list. Last year we even took her suitcase out of the house except for one and she still left things behind that had been packed up.


There is her medication, glasses, shoes, jacket, purse and toiletries.  They go in the bags out of the bags and back in.  I have a list with check marks and BIG notes that explain what is packed.  NONE of it works of course and the anxiety it causes me is multiplied twenty fold for her.


So, I have held my whine party and now I am going to go about building my lists.  If there were other options... but there are not. 

I'll be happy when I get home to my flower boxes and birds!

All my little Massachusetts friends..

When there is heartache I would like to say that dementia is not fun to be around.  Betty has narrative she repeats over and over.  "How's your family Mary?  Do the kids like school?"  Over and over.  I get so close to just crying as I say, "They are fine Betty"  "They like school, Betty."  


With Ethan's death yesterday it is hard to answer that all is well.  I did tell her one time what was happening, but she cannot absorb that so her narrative stays the same.  God, help me to repeat y answers just as many times as we cannot get her onto a different subject.  Probably by that time, we will all be fine.






And, from my Facebook wall...  mostly to answer a question about God and suffering:


There are times when human suffering is so great you are left wondering, where is God in the midst of it? How does He allow it? Where is He? I will take just a small fraction of all suffering; my family's suffering at the loss of my grandson, Ethan Michael Gray. Where was God? God was in the miracle of Ethan's birth when we doubted months ago that the pregnancy was sustainable, God said, "Yes!" God was in the miracle that allowed Annie and Josh to get to know their beautiful son for four days. Did you know that every minute in a NICU equals an hour at least? Multiply all of those minutes and you will see that the beautiful blessing of meeting, touching, singing, whispered love and tears,3 so many tears was, in God time, nearly an eternity. Then there are the Facebook posted prayers from all over the country, the world. God was right there in the depth of caring from all of these wonderful people. Their prayers didn't go unanswered; Annie and Josh gathered so much comfort from them that they spoke often of how incredible it was to have such great friends. God is there in their grief knowing full well the pain in the loss of a son. We don't know God's full purpose for our lives. We do know that suffering, grief, disease, is as much a part of life as joy, good health, healing, miracles, and laughter. Everyone has their own understanding about death, God, resurrection and heaven. I wish you peace and comfort as I grieve, as you grieve, or as we look to God for our miracles. Today I am looking for ways to honor the memory of our little gift from God, Ethan. I am thanking God for my wonderful children who will be there to support their brother and his family. I am thanking God for all of my blessings. I am trusting in Him.

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Ethan Michael Gray

5/19/2012 - 5/23/2012

My son Josh and his beautiful son, Ethan

My wonderful daughter-in-law Annie holding Ethan

I look into Annie's eyes and see the pain of her loss, the swollen eyes of a million tears, the joy of holding her precious son.   Many prayers have been said and I thank you for them all.  Now, with Ethan safely in the arms of Jesus, I ask that you hold Annie and Josh and Ethan's sister Caroline and big brothers, Jackson and Ryan in your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you very much.

Today is an eye appointment for Betty and fortunately the office had my number so I was able to give a heads up about Betty's cognitive issues. I think they appreciate that Betty is still among the living as she had not been for awhile and they were worried that maybe she was "gone" in one way or another.


We have some concern over seeing double.  At times when she is watching television she sees two balls during golf which is cheating....LOL!  She always mentions that it is funny that she is seeing two golf balls and I sometimes wonder whether it is because her eyes are just tired.  She has often told us that she was cross-eyed as a child and so I am wondering if when she gets weary the eyes might cross a bit.  Hopefully the eye exam will tell us.


This is also monumental because she no longer drives and her glasses were driving glasses.  Will she need new glasses that just cover the span from the couch to the television?  


Speaking of driving we were very fortunate because she gave that up so easily.  We just started driving her everywhere and she finally decided to just sell her car.  How wonderful..since according to Florida she could have driven another 4 years before renewal.  Arghhh!  


There is always the anxiety before going to appointments or out to dinner.  I call her after noon to "remind" her and I am sure there will be at least two calls about what to wear, should she shower, where are we going and possibly the ever possible excuse as to why she can't possibly go.  Hoping that today is a smooth trip.


We have just a few weeks before we leave and head for home.  Betty will be flying up with Bob's cousin and we will pick her up from their house.  My anxiety level is over the top with so much to do.  This is hard stuff and I can only hope I can do what needs to be done.  There are times when I wish I were still on pain killers for my chronic pain because I just can't use the techniques that get me through my days when my mind is filled with so much that needs to be done.  I am glad I stopped taking them, most days, but that does not mean I am not suffering.  It means that I have taken the suffering by the horns and I am doing what needs to be done.  Thank God for my TENS machine and silly games online that take my mind off it! 


Today.....the eye doctor.  
        Thank you so much for your prayers for my sweet grandson, Ethan.  Today he has been stable but the brain bleed is a concern.  God is so good and I rest in the knowledge that he is very much in control!

This is one of Ethan's older brothers, Ryan, with my middle sons fiancee, Melissa. I am so BLESSED!

Ethan today with his sweet eyes open.

I have not been able to post because writing about my new grandson, Ethan Michael, is causing so much anxiety it makes me feel ill.  Ethan was born on Saturday the 19th. at 1:02 P.M.  He weighs 3 lbs. 1 oz.  Saturday night he almost dies.  He rallied on Sunday and was doing ok today until this afternoon when it was discovered he has had a brain bleed.  His breathing is not good and his mom, my loving daughter-in-law Annie, called crying to tell me that she was just going to sit with her baby.  She cried and told me he is so beautiful.  I am so sorry that there is nothing I can do for them.  I am in Florida and they are in Boston.  I want to see him.  Touch him. Tell him I love him.  I want a miracle.  I cannot write here about anything because I just can't bear thinking.  I believe that the Lord is there in the NICU with little Ethan and He is watching over him.  Praying.  Continual prayer.

Dotty & Bob Alzheimer's Reading Room

Dotty Still With Us 9 AM, Some Enchanted Evening - Alzheimer's Reading Room

I think of Bob and Dotty and the journey they are on and remember that just last summer I was privileged to be there when my uncle Dan was on this final journey.  It is such an honor to be with them... and yet, as brave as we can be, the loss is tremendous. 
Many blessings, prayers and thoughts are sent to Bob and his mom, Dotty.